Alien Report

The Galician Lad has had the opportunity to access to the records of the ministry of defence of a country that we prefer not to mention in order to avoid retaliation for their part. There, we have found a report in which a spy of this country’s government, claims the existence of aliens and he (or she, because as it is a spy, you never know) relates what he (or she, I insist) knows about aliens. Following, you have an extract of one of the documents founded:

They are definitely not like us. Not their appearance nor their behaviour. Unlike many had thought, they are not short and with big eyes. It is just the opposite. They are amazingly tall and with tiny eyes. They have a pallid skin. If the milk is white, these aliens go a step further in what the definition of white is. You can even see all their veins as some of them are close to be transparent, although most of them are opaque. They also have something similar to what we call hair, but theirs is only set in their heads (don’t ask me how I discovered this). This hair of them is pretty peculiar. Its colour is between blonde and white, but it is not grey. You have to watch it, because it can not be described. It is simply a completely different colour. In fact, we should think about including this new colour in our rainbow.

As I said above, their behaviour is also different. They rarely speak, and if they do it, is just because it is completely necessary. Besides, they never speak loud unless they are really angry. Some of them have never spoken loud, as they have a tendency to cut down trees when they are stressed or angry. Therefore, deforestation is not due to the paper consumption, but to the anger of these people.

Sometimes, they drink a liquid which makes them speak like there was no tomorrow. They also laugh a lot when they drink it, in an uncontrolled way. When finally go home after ingesting this liquid, they do it performing staggering movements.

They are very strict and they are the closest thing to a computer that you can find. Their brain is binary, so if they want to do something, they have only two ways of doing it: doing it right or doing it wrong. Procrastination is a word which makes no sense to them.

They also have languages of their own. They made them up and over the years they have improved them. Nevertheless, it is quite difficult for a non-alien to speak their languages, because you need an arrow-shaped tongue to pronounce their words properly. Otherwise, you will never be able to pronounce it properly. But that is not it. They also have surnames like ours. Well, not exactly like ours. They randomly mix an over inflated amount of consonants and add a vowel or two in order not to call too much attention of the foreigners, although they apparently did not succeed in this subject.

We could say that there are to kinds of these aliens: the quite ones and the others. The quite ones try not to mess around too much, whereas the others build cars and demand stuff. They claim they are the best car builders, as they use alien technology.

Most of them are settled in the northern territories of Europe, where winter has already come and opposite to what it is said in Game of Thrones (winter is coming), they usually say “winter is going”, but it never goes.

After my accurate investigation, I have also discovered that if one of these living people is born short, by any reason, they send them to the South of Europe, as they can go unnoticed there if they are short.

They usually spit with a relative frequency. They are the best spitting. Their spittle can travel thousands of miles (or km if you prefer). They have developed this technique over the years and that is why all their spittle always fall in the countries of the South of Europe. But that can not be because they do not like them, because every summer, many of these creatures go there to let their white skin turn pink in order to avoid transparency. It is a standard practice.

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