The Art of Slurping

There is nothing like a slurp to activate my hearing sense. It is activated so strongly that my other senses are deactivated. The sound of people drinking from a spoon in a vibrated way, makes my ears blow away. This kind of sipping is to be approved as noise pollution, remember my words. There is nothing I can think or do while someone is sipping so hard. If you want to produce a computer crush on a Microsoft Windows system, you just have to open many softwares at the same time. If you want to produce a crash on my human system, you simply have to slurp.

In any case, I have to admit that not anyone can slurp properly (really hard I mean). If I am honest with you, I have been trying to slurp my soup, and yes, I made a little bit of noise, but not enough to be considered noise pollution.

Having said this, it is time to admit that slurping is a problem that society is facing, and a solution is needed. I have made a short investigation about this subject, in order to understand the issue properly. I have talked with both the victims and the aggressors. Some women told me that they have had to suffer a kind of slurping that even deactivated their sixth female sense. Following, you have the transcription of some parts of the conversations that I had with slurping survivors:

“My husband is a slurper. I avoid cooking soups so I could not hear that disgusting slurp of him. However, he cooks soup in secret, when I am at work. The bastard waits until I get home to slurp his soup in front of me. It is a nightmare.”
Mary Slurpless from Netherlands.

“I went to social services but they don’t help me. All my family slurps. I lost the notion of time. I am not me anymore.”
Johnny Sipperson from the US.

“I used to have a man detector as my sixth sense, to know if a boy is a good person or not. But my actual boyfriend is using the slurping to block all my senses. I think he is hiding me something, though I can’t be sure about it due to the block he provokes in me.”
Adelina Detectorini from Italy.

These are just a few testimonies from hundreds of people who selflessly talked to me about this situation. Luckily, I was able to establish communication with one person who slurps every time he has the chance. While I was speaking with him, he was slurping like there was no tomorrow. He does not want to share his name because he is afraid of retaliation:

“I can’t help it man. I have to do it. It is a matter of life and death. I need to do it as flowers need the sun. Don’t blame me for that. That’s what I am, I can’t change it. I went to rehab and it didn’t work. Why is it gonna work this time bro?”
Anonymous Slurper, from France, Paris, Rue Chemin de Rocques, third floor, letter D. He lives alone.

I tried to talk with many slurpers, but all of them, except the anonymous above, refused to share their feelings with me.

It is time to raise our voices to let the people in the world know about this problem, which is provoking serious disabilities in our senses. Let’s do it now that we have time. Let’s focus on eradicating the slurps from our homes, instead of loosing time with the climate change and the greenhouse effect… First things first.

Inspired by: Blogging the Senses


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