10 Tips to Decrease your Blog’s Traffic

Are you bored of having massive tides of people visiting your blog? Do you hate to receive all those likes and comments? Are you exhausted of receiving notifications from people that follow your blog? If you do, here I have the top 10 tips to save your life (you are welcome):

1. Let social network like Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest, know that you do not exist. Social network is poo. Everyone in this pages just want to comment and make opinions about anything you write, so try to avoid them, as if your life was at stake.

2. Write like there is no tomorrow. Tell the story of your life in one single post. Write everything you can and do not forget the most specific details. Here, size matters. You have to scare your readers and your ruthless fingers have the power.

3. Write nothing at all. If you are unable to follow the tip number 2 because your fingers are not ruthless at all, you also have the option of writing nothing. Sadly, the number of viewers will be decreased in a very slow way. But that is more than nothing.

4. Put your background’s blog in yellow and the words in white. Make it impossible for your readers. Besides, you will be helping to extinguish vampires.

5. Loose your temper. Get mad on your blog. When you think that you are going nowhere with your blog, get involved by that inspirational feeling.

6. Pick a topic that you do not know. Be very careful when selecting the topic. You have to have a lot of doubts about the subject you are choosing and let your readers know that you really do. You can also write clear statements, but writing obvious mistakes. For example: everyone knows that the water is opaque.

7. Write many ‘I think‘. If you can even write it in your headings so much the better. This is to reinforce the previous tip.

8. Write poems about unicorns in French (only for those who speak no French). Fill the life of your readers with nonsense words in French about a fictional animal that nobody cares.

9. Do not follow other blogs, you are better than that. If you already follow different blogs, unfollow them. Some of them will notice it was you and will try to hurt your feelings by unfollowing back. Do not thank them when they do it.

10. Do not be yourself. Do not even try to set your own style. Be like any other, trying to be politely and writing grammatically correct sentences or incorrect ones but not so incorrect to call other people’s attention. Treat your blog like a fake. But like a bad fake. Like one of those fakes that are so fake that everyone knows how fake they are.

These are the best ten tips to decrease the number of followers. They really worked for me. But probably I missed other magnificent tips to take your blog to the online garbage collector.

What tips could you offer to a fellow blogger who wants to decrease traffic right away?

Let me know in the comments below and let’s loose traffic together 🙂

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